


germs (emma is going to be okay)

by babytofu



Category: Glee, emma pillsbury - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Coronavirus, Monologue, OCD, Other, emma pillsbury - Freeform, just rambling, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:40:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26033593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babytofu/pseuds/babytofu
Summary: things are hard for emma. she thinks about what this pandemic has taken away from her
Relationships: Will Schuester/Emma Pillsbury, wemma - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	germs (emma is going to be okay)

**Author's Note:**

> tw : ocd struggles 
> 
> ive been both really missing emma and struggling with my own ocd recently. i know a lot of us really need an update on how emma would be doing in her own parallel universe while this pandemic is going on so i hope this rambling monologue brings you comfort

To say that things have been hard for Emma would be an understatement. The worries and rituals and fears that have lived with Emma since she was a young child finally had meaning behind them and were actually fuelled by reason and real panic. If everyone else on the planet was sanitising their hands and wearing masks, then what lengths did she have to go to to keep herself even more safe than them? 

Work wasn’t a possibility. Emma had been emailing her kids at school and trying to help as much as she could from home, but the sheer thought of how many germs were on the other side of that email, on that student’s keyboard, that could be seeping through the words she was reading and onto her hands meant that she could barely keep still enough to last five minutes at the computer.

She was used to being at home by herself now, wallowing in the pristinely clean yet still-not-quite-clean-enough aura that the house carried. The house reeked of bleach and Will could hardly bear the thought of dropping his clothes and showering every time he came back in through the front door but he was just thankful that Emma let him sleep in the same bed as her. Her eyes were fixed open so often now; constantly on edge and looking around the room achingly for something to panic about. Emma longed desperately for a tight, all-consuming cuddle that, no matter how much she needed it, she could hardly manage the thought of.

Will’s stomach began to float inside his body every time Emma mustered up the courage to kiss him. It felt like 2009 again when Will acted like a teenager, palpitations and sweaty palms as he watched Emma from across the hallway, begging inside of his head that one day, by some miracle, he could ever have the luxury of holding her and feeling his lips against hers.

It was hard but he was beginning to understand. The whole world was beginning to see even a minuscule glimpse into the constant fear that was brought to Emma just by carrying out simple daily tasks like touching things or going outside. She couldn’t help feeling smug at first, watching the rest of the world unravel but that didn’t last for long as she panicked, witnessing so many other people feeling even a fraction of the pain and exhaustion she had felt for most of her life.

The bags under her eyes felt particularly heavy as she lost count - again - of the number of clockwise wipes she had made on the kitchen counter. She had been crying as she made her way up to fifty several times, waiting for that relief to hit as she made it, but feeling her stomach drop each time that it just wasn’t enough and she had to start over. Will would admit that he had begun to tear up, too, when he sauntered into the kitchen to try to reassure Emma, only to be met with a wry scream, “we’re all going to get sick and it’s going to be my fault!”

Emma’s hands were dry; lotion had become redundant after the number of times she sanitised in a day had probably quadrupled, at least. She longed so badly for the feeling of Will’s big, strong hands holding hers and the way that everything used to melt away the second she felt his skin. It had been so long that she had forgotten how that melting feeling went, replaced by a dull buzzing in her head that got louder every second she felt his hand on her body until she pulled away and the buzzing lulled into silence again.

Emma still lit up when she found post it notes in her path, little messages from Will to remind her how brave she was and how he couldn’t wait to hold her and kiss her again. Strangely, Emma wondered if she had ever felt this close to Will. All she knew for certain was that, a few years ago, she would never have let anyone remotely close to her in such a nightmare of a situation as this. She knew - realistically - that she may have ended up in a hospital because there wasn’t a chance that she would have managed. She knew that she would have been isolated, almost feeling the darkness closing in on her as she pictured herself curled up in her house, not having left for a month with gloves on her hands and a mask on her face, the scent of bleach and rubbing alcohol sending her into a dizzy haze. 

She knew that, right now, the past couple of years of therapy and tiring work had paid off as much as it could have done. She was still in love and in splendid wonder as she tried to figure out how she could possibly still feel such a warm, beaming feeling in her heart while all of this was happening. Sure, Emma felt like she could see bacteria and viruses sitting on top of Will’s skin and clothes, but she couldn’t believe that there were glimpses where she could - just about - see past it and fall into a flurry of thoughts about the hazel flecks in Will’s eyes and the way his face crinkled so specifically every time he smiled. She still thought about the way Will sang to himself almost constantly and the way her heart still fluttered once in a while simply at the sound of him saying her name. He had made a promise to keep her safe and she could still feel it.

Her hands were raw from soap and her toothbrushes were all worn down from scrubbing but -

Emma was going to be okay.


End file.
